In many families there are children no one talks about. A child who was not born, a pregnancy that was ended, a baby who died after a few days or months. Sometimes it is a family secret, sometimes simply a silence that arose because the pain was too great to speak of.
Years later someone in the family feels a sadness without knowing where it comes from, a restlessness, or a feeling of constantly having to prove that they deserve to be here. The systemic view asks a question we rarely ask in everyday life: do all the children in this family have their place?
This text draws on the books Decoding the Soul, Soul Codes and Codes of Success and explains how systemic constellations approach these losses, with respect for everyone who has lived through them.
Who belongs to the family system
According to the book Decoding the Soul, the basis of the family system is made up of parents and children, including all biological and adopted members, regardless of the status of their life: children who were born, miscarried or aborted, or who died. Every child, whether born or not, occupies a special place in the family tree.
The book describes the family system as a mosaic made up of meetings and partings, births, deaths, departures and returns. Miscarriages, premature deaths or sudden tragedies, it says, leave lasting scars that can affect family relationships and individual destinies for generations.
“Every member, regardless of their fate, forever keeps their place within the system.” (from the book Soul Codes)
How an unmourned loss is felt by descendants
Speaking about grief, the book Soul Codes names unmourned losses as one of the most common causes of deep sadness in a family system: parents, brothers and sisters who died early, but also losses that were never mourned or acknowledged, such as miscarriages or sudden deaths. The same book links apathy to members whose destiny was not acknowledged, as in cases of abortion or premature death, which can create an emotional emptiness or “coldness” in the family.
Decoding the Soul also describes what can happen in children who survived an abortion attempt or are descendants of such children, and in daughters of parents who wanted a son. Such a person often develops a feeling of having to prove their worth through constant work and sacrifice for others. They may become a workaholic who does not allow themselves rest or pleasure, and who stops only when they fall ill.
The book Codes of Success adds another angle. When someone at a workshop has no strength for learning, one possible deep cause can be a connection with abortions or early losses in the family system. These breaks in the family line can show themselves as tiredness, lack of motivation or general weakness, especially with mental effort.
An approach without judgement
It is important to understand the spirit in which this is spoken about. Decoding the Soul emphasises that abortions are approached in systemic constellations with great sensitivity. The aim is not to look for someone to blame, but to acknowledge the existence of the lost child and to release the system from parental guilt or pain.
About miscarriage the book says that it carries complex emotions, guilt, grief and unspoken questions, and that it is treated as an extremely sensitive subject. Integration is carried out in a similar way as for unborn children, with relief of the parents’ guilt that they could not have done otherwise. When it comes to a child who died too early, the book speaks of a lasting scar, pain and often unresolved questions about meaning and justice.
What happens in a constellation
In a constellation the child receives a representative and a place in the field. The representatives of the parents can express their deep emotions and accept their share of responsibility, which helps guilt and grief to be released. For a child who was not born, the book gives sentences that are spoken:
“I see you, now I truly see you. You have a place in my heart, always and forever. I am sorry. We did not know any other way. We did not have the conditions. We did not have the strength.” (from the book Decoding the Soul)
Then the brothers, sisters and descendants also address the child. They acknowledge its place in the family and express their intention to keep its memory. For children who died early, the book also gives the sentences: “I will remember you with love and pride. I will do something beautiful in your memory.” In this way the child stops being a secret or an emptiness and becomes part of the family story.
According to the book, through acknowledgement and emotional release around these losses people can regain their energy and strength, free themselves from the weight of the past and more easily accept what life brings.
A first step you can take
If you know or sense that there is such a loss in your family, you do not have to resolve anything straight away. You can begin quietly: by acknowledging within yourself that this child existed and that a place belongs to it. Sometimes it is enough for its existence to be spoken of in the family for the first time, without explanations and without looking for blame.
These are subjects that can stir strong emotions, especially in those who experienced the loss personally. Systemic work does not replace professional psychological or medical help when it is needed, and it is good to have support while going through this grief.