You have the knowledge, the experience and the opportunity, and yet you stop just short of the step that would take you further. You put off applying for a better position, you do not send the proposal, or success arrives and then quickly melts away. From the outside it looks like a lack of self-confidence or bad luck, but on the inside it often feels like some quiet prohibition.
One of the questions systemic constellations open up is this: do you allow yourself to go further than your parents? Not only further in earnings, but also in freedom, education and fulfilment. For many people the answer is not a conscious "no", yet in life they behave exactly as if it were.
In this article, drawing on the books of Dr Jelena Đorđević, we look at the invisible loyalties that bind us to the fate of our family, and at how you can become aware of them.
What unconscious loyalties are
In the book Codes of Success, unconscious loyalties are described as invisible ties that bind us, in an unhealthy way, to the past and to patterns of behaviour that may be harmful or limiting. They can bind us to past generations or to the unfulfilled fates of our ancestors. This is precisely why they often lead to self-sabotage or to ineffectiveness in reaching business goals.
These loyalties are not a sign of weakness. They arise out of love and out of a child's deep need to belong to their family. The problem arises when that love remains childlike and blind, so that instead of carrying us forward, it holds us in place.
Blind love: "I, just like you"
In the book Decoding the Soul, blind love is described as the way in which children, guided by unconscious attachment, repeat the lives of their parents, not only through what is good but also through their suffering and mistakes. A child may believe that by repeating a parent's choices and outcomes, they will somehow ease that parent's pain.
In the area of money and work, this dynamic takes a very recognisable form. The book The Path of Knowledge describes a loyalty that can be expressed in the sentence "Mum, I am just like you, because I love you", when a person carries an unconscious fear of surpassing the economic status of their mother or of the female members of the family. This is especially pronounced in families where women had no access to economic resources.
People may feel that by advancing and learning they are somehow betraying their family or a community that perhaps did not have the same opportunities. (from the book Codes of Success)
What this prohibition looks like at work
Codes of Success describes several family dynamics that may lie behind a stalled career. Some of them are:
- a fear of failure inherited from ancestors who suffered great losses in business or personal ventures
- a pattern taken over from parents who avoided high goals for fear of disappointment
- parents' unfulfilled careers and unrealised dreams, which make us feel we have no right to live our potential to the full
- identification with someone in the family who suffered injustice or pain, together with an unconscious belief that we do not deserve happiness or success
- an ancestor who abused power, which leads the descendant to sabotage their own success in leading others
What all these dynamics have in common is that progress, unconsciously, feels like a risk to belonging. If you go further than your parents, it is as if you no longer belong to them. And so success is postponed, diminished or not held on to.
The order of love: parents are big, children are small
The order of love in systemic constellations starts from the idea that parents give and children receive. Parents are the great givers, and children are those who honour them and carry new lives forward. When a child unconsciously tries to carry their parents' fate, to suffer in their place or to stay small so as not to outgrow them, that order is disturbed.
Mature love, as the book Codes of Love says, citing Bert Hellinger, asks children gradually to leave behind the blind love of childhood and to free themselves from family entanglement. This does not mean distancing yourself from your parents. It means honouring their path and, at the same time, claiming the right to your own.
In constellations, healing sentences are used for this, which the book Decoding the Soul calls magic formulas. Some of them are: "Thank you for the life you gave me.", "I honour you and your fate." and "My path is different from yours, and that is all right." Spoken from the heart, they return your parents to their place and give you permission to go further.
How to give yourself permission to succeed
The first step is becoming aware. In systemic constellations, the field can show whom in the family you are unconsciously standing in for and whose fate you are repeating. Once you see this, you can pay your respects to that family member and give back to them, with love, the burden that is not yours.
The second step is personal work through systemic self-exploration. The book Codes of Success offers sentences such as "I want to increase my awareness of my own worth" and "I want to become aware of my mission". Say each one silently to yourself and, for two to three minutes, follow the feeling in your body, allowing the burden to be released.
Success greater than your parents' success is not a betrayal. When you receive it with gratitude for what they gave you, it becomes a continuation of their life, not a moving away from them.