The expressions “daddy’s girl” and “mummy’s boy” are usually said with a smile or a reproach. In systemic work they describe something more serious: a pattern in which the relationship with the parent of the opposite sex shapes all later love relationships, often much more than we realise.
If you find yourself expecting from your partner the kind of protection, care or understanding that was present, or missing, in your relationship with a parent, this text can help you see why the same difficulties keep repeating.
This text draws on the book Decoding the Soul and explains how parental roles are transferred to partnerships and how this dynamic can change.
Who daddy’s girls and mummy’s boys are
According to the book Decoding the Soul, daddy’s girls are girls who have an exceptionally close emotional bond with their father, or who strongly lack such a bond. When the bond is close, the father is the main protector and support, while the mother is less present. Such girls may grow up feeling especially privileged and with unrealistic expectations of men. When the bond is missing, a strong wish to fill the emptiness arises, and they look for a partner who will be the protector their father was not.
Mummy’s boys are boys who have a very close bond with their mother, or who markedly lack such a bond. When the bond is close, the mother takes on a dominant role and the father is less present. Such boys may expect every woman in their life to have the qualities and the role of their mother. If the bond was missing, they keep looking for a partner who will fill the emptiness left by the absence of a mother figure.
It is important to notice that the same pattern arises both from too much and from too little. Both excessive closeness and a lack of closeness lead to the same thing: the partner becomes the place where we look for a parent.
Projecting parental roles
In systemic constellations these relationships shed light on how parental roles are transferred to partnerships. A daddy’s girl who experienced her father as a protector may expect her partner, in addition to love and support, to take on all the obligations that belong to a parental figure. A mummy’s boy may ask his partner for the care and emotional support typical of a mother.
This is how an imbalance in giving and receiving arises. According to the book, one partner becomes emotionally saturated, while the other feels inadequate and overburdened. The relationship is no longer a meeting of two adults, but a repetition of the relationship between parent and child.
“When these individuals look for the qualities of their parents in their partners, the foundations are laid for an imbalance in giving and receiving love and attention.” (from the book Decoding the Soul)
Why a third person then appears
The book Decoding the Soul also writes about something that is rarely spoken about openly. When one partner looks for a parent in the other, a need for real partnership naturally arises, for someone with whom love can be shared as equals. This opens space for a third person.
From a systemic perspective, a third person is not just a symptom of the problem. It can be a sign that both partners need to explore more deeply their real needs and the limitations imposed by unhealthy projections. This is not a justification for hurting someone, but an invitation to see what the relationship lacked before the third person appeared.
From child to partner
The solution is not to stop loving the parent. The solution is for the parent to remain the parent and the partner to become the partner. In a constellation this is often expressed through sentences that return everyone to their place. One of them, from the chapter on the love triangle in the book Decoding the Soul, reads: “Now I see that you are not my mother. You are my wife, and from today I will look at you differently.”
The same book, in the part about resolving a relationship when a new partner appears, gives this sentence too: “I accept you and love you just as you are. I open myself to mutual partnership love that means equal giving and receiving.” That is the essence: the partner is accepted as a person, not as a substitute for a parent.
Questions for self-inquiry
If you recognise this pattern, you can start with simple questions and stay with each one for a few moments:
- What do I expect from my partner that actually belongs to my father or my mother?
- What was my relationship with the parent of the opposite sex like: too close, distant or absent?
- Do I sometimes become a parent to my partner in the relationship?
When what belongs to the parents is returned to them, space for love between equals opens up in the relationship. Systemic constellations and Systemic Affirmations™ can deepen this process, and working on the relationship with your parents is often the shortest path to a healthier relationship.