It starts with something small: an unanswered message, a tone of voice, something left unsaid. Within a few minutes you are on familiar ground, with the same sentences, the same accusations and the same ending. Afterwards you both feel drained and wonder how it came to this again.
When the same arguments keep coming back, they are seldom only about the subject you are arguing over. The systemic view sees in them something older than the relationship itself: a pattern each partner brings from their own family, which is set in motion again within the relationship.
In the book Codes of Love, arguments of this kind are called energy dramas. Their root is sought in an imbalance of giving and receiving and in the model of relationship we learned in childhood.
The argument as a struggle for energy
A struggle for energy is an exchange of low-frequency waves between people which, if it is constantly repeated, creates poor forms of behaviour and relationship. It most often begins in the family, in childhood. Children who watch their parents argue and shift the blame onto each other learn to fight for their energy and develop defence mechanisms. As they grow up, they carry these patterns into their own relationships, often knowing no other way of being.
In an argument, the energetic burdens of two people clash. They collide and create blocks that bind the partners to each other. The longer an argument goes on, the harder it is to break off. It lasts until one side gives in, and the psychological advantage goes to whoever is left "standing", because they take the energy that was invested in the argument.
This is why the same arguments follow almost the same script: someone has to win and someone has to give in. Neither brings peace, only a respite until the next round.
The model formed in childhood
Codes of Love mentions the article "The History of Childhood" by the American psychologist Lloyd deMause, published in 1997 in The Journal of Psychohistory with more than 600 references. He showed that the basic structure of the relationship between parents and children is fear and struggle. This also brings us to the basic structure of the relationship between men and women, which is likewise fear and struggle.
So, however far we run from our parents, until we become aware of the basic model of energetic relationship we formed with them, we will keep repeating identical situations in order to live through those relationships again and heal them. (from the book Codes of Love)
In the book The Path of Healing, this pattern is described through a family in which the grandmother, the mother and the aunt had almost identical marriages, and family gatherings regularly turned into dramas. In such struggles one person is the victim and the other the controller. It is an entirely unconscious process that no one engages in on purpose. People simply live by a programme they consider normal.
Recognise the signs of imbalance
An imbalance in giving and receiving takes recognisable forms. If any of the following keeps recurring in your arguments, it is worth pausing:
- jealousy and the need for your partner to keep proving their devotion
- nagging that becomes the everyday tone
- a constant need to justify and explain yourself
- excessive care that stifles the other person's freedom
- a feeling that your partner is becoming an object rather than a loving partner
In such a dynamic, love becomes a burden instead of a source of support and strength. The order of love reminds us that love should enrich life, not weigh it down with a constant struggle for recognition.
How to step out of the circle
The first step is to stop seeing an argument only as a conflict between two people. When two people meet, two family systems meet, and each brings the burden of unanswered questions and unresolved conflicts from the past. That same meeting can be an opportunity for old questions finally to be resolved.
The second step is responsibility. The most important contribution partners can make to each other is to take responsibility for their own actions and for the emotions they mirror back to one another. When we recognise in our partner a reflection of our own struggles and conflicts, they cease to be an opponent and become a teacher through whom we come to know ourselves.
The third step is healthy boundaries, within which both partners act freely, without fear of losing love or energy. Becoming aware of your own reactions through focused attention helps you free yourself from automatic responses. Systemic self-exploration and systemic constellations make it possible to see and resolve what an argument merely repeats. If arguments are accompanied by fear for your own safety, systemic work does not replace professional psychological help.
The next time you sense an argument taking its familiar course, try to notice the moment before the first sentence. In that moment, no one has to win. It is enough to see that it is not only the two of you who are clashing, but also everything each of you carries, and to decide that this time you will not play it out to the end.