There are people for whom nothing is good enough, least of all what they do themselves. They go over every mistake in their heads for a long time, they cannot accept praise, and in front of others they constantly watch how they come across. On the outside they seem capable and orderly. Inside there is a tension that never stops.
Perfectionism is often described as a character trait or even a virtue. The systemic view sees it differently: as one of the ways a person defends themselves against shame, the emotion that says we are not good enough or worthy enough to be loved.
This text draws on the books Soul Codes, Codes of Consciousness and Decoding the Soul and explains where shame comes from and how it can be brought into awareness.
The lowest emotion on the scale of consciousness
On Dr David Hawkins’s scale of consciousness, which the books use as a tool for understanding emotions, shame has a value of 20. It is the lowest emotion on the scale. The book Soul Codes describes it as one of the deepest and heaviest emotional states a person can live in.
Shame arises from the feeling that we are not good enough or worthy enough, that we do not deserve love or acceptance from others. When we feel ashamed, we often experience ourselves as incapable or unwanted. We may fear being vulnerable in front of others and constantly worry about what they think of us.
The book Codes of Consciousness also lists what shame in the subconscious family mind can produce: self-contempt, fear of judgement, a need for perfectionism or excessive concern about what other people think of us. All of this shapes our self-image and the way we experience the world, often long before we become aware of it.
“We can become perfectionists, constantly striving for perfection in order to avoid the feeling of shame.” (from the book Soul Codes)
Here the connection becomes visible. Perfectionism is not a striving for quality, but an attempt never to feel shame again. That is why it brings no peace: no matter how well something is done, the basic feeling stays the same.
Shame that does not belong to you
The book Soul Codes emphasises that the feeling of shame is not necessarily realistic or justified. It often comes from deeply rooted beliefs taken over from the family or society. The book Codes of Consciousness adds that shame, like guilt, is connected with inherited contents that are passed on through family systems across generations.
In the method of systemic constellations, shame is understood in several ways:
- As a response to family secrets or exclusions: unacknowledged children, terminated pregnancies, illnesses or events that were stigmatised and hidden.
- As a consequence of breaking family norms: when an individual acts contrary to what the family considers acceptable.
- As a mechanism of control: in some families shame is used to maintain obedience and conformity with the rules.
- As an inheritance: children can unconsciously take on shame that relates to events or behaviour of their ancestors, even though they did not take part in them.
If so, your perfectionism may not be only yours. You may be carrying a shame that arose before you, and trying to correct it through flawless behaviour, as if that way you could restore the good name of someone who lost it.
Why effort does not heal shame
The book Codes of Consciousness compares the state of shame and guilt with the original idea of “hell”, because in it waves of the lowest frequencies are constantly generated and overwhelm a person. It is not possible to leave this state through greater effort, because the effort comes from the same fear that we are not enough.
What helps is bringing it into awareness. When you see where shame comes from, it loses some of its power. When those who were hidden or condemned in the family are included again and given their place, the system no longer needs to pass shame on to the descendants.
In a constellation this happens through healing sentences addressed to those who were hidden or condemned. One of them, from the book Decoding the Soul, reads: “Now I see you. You have a place in my heart. You have the right to belong.” When such words are spoken, shame stops being a family secret and becomes part of a story that can be told to the end.
How to begin
The book Decoding the Soul suggests first naming the emotion and then turning to it with conscious intention, with a sentence such as “I want to eliminate shame”, pausing and observing what happens in the body. These questions can also help:
- In which situations do I feel that everything has to be flawless, and what am I afraid of then?
- What was hidden in my family, or what was never spoken about?
- Who in my family found it hard to feel their own worth?
Shame calms down in a space of acceptance. That is why it is important to be gentle and patient with yourself while you explore this. If shame and self-criticism make everyday life much harder, seek professional psychological help as well, because systemic work does not replace it.