In many relationships one partner carries more. They worry more, organise more, try harder for everything to be fine. At first it looks like love, but later it turns into tiredness, quiet reproach and the feeling that no one sees you. On the other side, the partner who receives more often feels uncomfortable and withdraws, without even knowing why.
Systemic constellations explain this dynamic through one of the basic laws of relationships: the balance of giving and receiving. When it is disturbed, love stops flowing, no matter how much feeling there was at the beginning.
This text draws on the books Decoding the Soul and Codes of Love and explains what a healthy exchange in a partnership looks like and why it is so often disturbed.
Two kinds of giving
The book Decoding the Soul distinguishes two basic dimensions of giving and receiving. The first is asymmetrical: parents give to children, teachers to students, helpers to those who need help. Here the receiver is not expected to give back in equal measure, but to pass on one day what they have received.
The second is balance between equals: in partnership, friendship, between brothers and sisters. Here both participants should give and receive equally. Each side should feel that its contribution has value and is appreciated. A partnership belongs to this second kind, and that is the key to many misunderstandings.
When one partner begins to give like a parent and the other to receive like a child, the relationship moves from one dimension into the other. From the outside it looks like care, but inside equality is lost. The book Decoding the Soul describes how such a projection of parental roles creates emotional saturation in one partner and a feeling of being overburdened in the other.
What happens when the balance is missing
Bert Hellinger emphasises that balance is key to a healthy and harmonious relationship. If one partner constantly gives and the other constantly receives, problems arise. According to the book Decoding the Soul, the person who gives may feel used, unimportant and unloved. The partner who receives more may feel guilty and inadequate, and so withdraws emotionally or even sabotages the relationship.
Sometimes deeper reasons lie behind the imbalance. Perhaps one partner believes they do not deserve the love they receive, and so does not accept it. Perhaps the other uses their giving as a way of controlling the relationship. In both cases it is necessary to look at what lies beneath the surface, and not just count who gave how much.
“When we receive, it is important to give a little more than we got. Only then does love have a future.” (from the book Decoding the Soul)
A little more than you received
Balance does not mean that everyone gives exactly as much as they receive, as in bookkeeping. When we receive something good, it is important to give back a little more. Then the other wants to give back too, and the exchange grows. That is how, as the book Codes of Love says, love increases through love.
The book Codes of Love also describes the law of giving and receiving as the relationship of two principles. The masculine principle gives the initial impulse, and the feminine receives it, transforms it and returns it. When this flow runs freely between partners, both grow. When one only gives and the other only receives, the flow stops and the relationship begins to resemble a struggle.
The book Decoding the Soul also reminds us of the order: in a partnership receiving comes first and lasts for a while, and then giving follows as a response. If that response does not come even after a long time, it is a sign that the balance is disturbed.
Where the pattern of excessive giving comes from
The way you give and receive in a relationship is most often learned in your family of origin. Decoding the Soul particularly highlights the situation in which one child gives more to brothers and sisters than it receives, usually by stepping into the place of one of the parents. Such an imbalance becomes the basis for all later imbalances in life.
A child who took on the role of the “white knight” carries that role into every relationship until it heals it within. As an adult, such a person chooses partners who need rescuing, or creates situations in which they have to carry more. Codes of Love adds that no matter how far we run from our parents, we will repeat the same situations until we become aware of the basic model of the energetic relationship we formed with them.
How to restore the balance
The first step is honest observation, without blame. These questions can help you:
- What do I give in this relationship, and what do I receive?
- Is it easier for me to give than to receive, and where in my family did that begin?
- Do I sometimes take on the role of a parent to my partner, or expect my partner to be a parent to me?
Balance is not restored all at once. It begins with small changes: allowing yourself to receive, being willing to say thank you, deciding not to give what no one asked for. Systemic constellations and systemic self-inquiry can help you see where the pattern comes from, so that it does not have to repeat itself in the next relationship.